The Reward

In finishing up this series on being the wife of a man in spiritual leadership, I would just like to encourage you with the fact that the Lord sees and knows all that you and your husband go through as you carry out this ministry of shepherding.  

Hebrews 6:10 says, “God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.”  And He has eternal rewards for those who serve Him faithfully.  Other people in your local church will never know the hours you have sacrificed for your husband to be away from your family caring for the needs of the flock.  They will never know the number of prayers prayed on their behalf.  They will never know the amount of tears shed for them.  But that does not matter, because the Lord knows.  So as you serve God’s people in this capacity, remember to do it “…as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

And let us consider this: What did it cost the Lord Jesus to provide eternal salvation for us?  The grief that the vileness of our sin must have brought to Him.  The depth of His agony as He sweat great drops of blood while He prayed for us.  The separation from His Father that He endured on our behalf.  We will never know how great the price was that He paid.  So, in that sense, to be His servant whom He has called to help shepherd His people is a way that we can be a partaker in the fellowship of His sufferings and come to know His heart in a more intimate way.  It is a tremendous privilege.

And it’s certainly not all hardship, by any means.  There are plenty of opportunities for joy and rejoicing with the believers in your local fellowship. 

3 John 4 is just as true in the assembly as it is in your family- “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”  It is such a blessing to see those you have loved and cared for, encouraged and going on well for the Lord. 

So press on in this ministry with your husband.  Ask the Lord to equip you to be the helper that your husband needs, to the glory of God. 

You call THIS a Ministry?

Our ministries may change depending upon the season of life that we’re in.  I have some friends whose husbands serve as elders whose main ministry right now is taking care of an aged parent.  They have told me that sometimes they feel like they’re a bad elder’s wife because they aren’t even able to make it out to all the meetings.  They get discouraged because they feel they’re not able to be the helpers that they want to be to their husbands.  But they are still loving their husband, praying for him, and encouraging him in the work God has given him to do.  And caring for a parent is a ministry for the Lord and it doesn’t take away from their husband serving as a spiritual leader in the local church.  It is a tremendous example to the flock and a testimony to a watching world- laying aside your own desires to care for the needs of another.  The Lord considers that a very valuable ministry.  He tells us that “inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:40)

Perhaps you’re in that situation or a similar one.  Maybe you are struggling with a physical condition right now that keeps you from being as actively involved in your local church or in your husband’s ministry as you would like to be.  It may be that the Lord desires for you to learn more about Him by going through this time of difficulty.  And as Job said, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?”  If that’s the ministry He’s given you right now, trust Him for the grace to bear your suffering in a way that glorifies Him.  Please don’t be discouraged and think that you are of no use in the Lord’s service. You can still be a blessing to your husband and to the other believers, as you continue to love them and pray for them in the midst of your own pain.  It is what the Lord Jesus did for us.

There are many areas of service for the Lord.  Some we would not choose for ourselves.  But God is the One who chooses where His servants will serve Him.  As long as you are doing what the Lord is asking you to do with a right heart attitude, you WILL be the helper your husband needs.  

The Ministry of an Elder's Wife

Even though I do believe that the Scriptures teach that a married woman’s primary ministry is to her family, that does not mean that in being a helper to your husband, you lose your personal identity.  When the Lord Jesus saved you, He gave you a spiritual gift, and that gift was given to you for the purpose of “equipping the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ.”  (Ephesians 4:12) 

So, I’d like for us to think about our personal ministries.  You may be a gifted teacher and the ministry God has given you is leading Bible studies for women.  That is a wonderful ministry in your local church- helping the women grow in their relationship with the Lord and equipping them to better honor and serve Him.  That is a tremendous help and encouragement to the elders.  But it is not the ministry that God has for every elder’s or full-time worker’s wife.  Learning this has been such a help to me. 

The ministry that the Lord has equipped me for is working with children.  It is what I enjoy and the place where I see the Lord using me most effectively.  But because of other people’s expectations and my own misconceptions, I thought that when my husband was recognized as an elder that I, as an elder’s wife, had to give up teaching children to work with the women.  I really struggled with that.  But the Lord has shown me that the little lambs are as much a part of the flock as the older sheep and that they are very valuable to the Good Shepherd.  One of the best ways I personally can minister to the adults in our assembly is by loving their children and working alongside them as parents to see their children saved and built up in their personal relationship with the Lord.  And helping strengthen the families in our local church is also a help to my husband in his work as an elder.

Perhaps you have the gift of evangelism and God uses you to share the gospel and see people saved and brought into your local fellowship.  Maybe God has given you a ministry of counseling people one-on-one, or a ministry of visitation to provide comfort and encouragement to the believers.  I will never forget how much it meant it to me when I had three children ages 4 and under, to have one of the elder’s wives come to my house during my kids’ nap time once a week just to pray with me.  Now that she’s elderly and unable to get out as much, I am able to return that blessing, and go visit her in her home so we can pray together. 

God has equipped us each individually for the “good works which He prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)  There is no particular ministry that the Scriptures declare to be the job of the elders’ wives.  One thing that is certain is that God will not give you a ministry that will be in competition with or detract from your husband’s- but will in fact, enhance his ministry because God has called the two of you to serve together as one.

The Proof is in the Pudding

A man who desires to be used of God as a spiritual leader in the local church "must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity  (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)" - 1 Timothy 3:14-15

Your home is not just your training ground- it is your proving ground.  God says that the way a man manages his family establishes a pattern of how he will lead in the local assembly.  We know some young couples who are interested in going into full-time ministry for the Lord.  Our counsel to them has been to focus on their home first.  Their family is the little flock that God has given them to shepherd now, and the place to practice all of the things we’ve been talking about.  God is looking for faithfulness in the small things before He will entrust you with bigger things.  The principle in Luke 16:10 is very true- “He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much.”  As a wife, you need to work alongside your husband in your home to raise your children in accordance with Biblical principles. 

As we think back over all of the qualifications that God has laid out for a man who would serve as a shepherd, let’s ask the Lord to equip us to be a faithful partner and helper to our husbands in each one of these areas: to be blameless, morally pure, temperate, sober-minded,  hospitable, able to teach, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous, managing his own household well.  

Partnership in Parenting

Another quality of the man that God calls to spiritual leadership in the local church is "...one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence."  (1 Timothy 3:4)

You are part of this “house”.  Are you supporting your husband as the leader in your home?  If you want your children to respect and submit to authority, then you must respect and submit to your husband’s authority in the home.  Your attitudes and example as a wife have immeasurable impact on your children.  They are always watching you- and they don’t miss a thing! 

The word “rule” in this verse means to stand before, to lead, and indicates that this is done with care and diligence.  God commands us as parents in Ephesians 6:4 to bring up our children “in the training and admonition of the Lord”.  This is very much a partnership between you and your husband.  You must be in agreement in the raising of your children and it must be done purposefully.  Do your children see the reality of your personal relationship with the Lord?  Do you have a plan to systematically teach them the Word of God?  Do you pray for them and with them regularly?  Are you balanced and consistent in your discipline- not being harsh or threatening, and at the same time, not being permissive or making excuses for sin? 

Parenting is an area in which I have been completely cast upon the Lord.  I’ve had to remind myself that I am to be training my children for their good and not my glory; for spiritual reality in their lives and not for appearances.  Unfortunately, sometimes when my children have been involved in sin, my first reaction has been embarrassment because of how their actions reflected on me.  That was simply pride on my part.  The children of elders, deacons, and full-time workers are not perfect.  They are sinners and they are going to sin.  The important thing is what you, as the parent, do when that happens.  We need to respond in a way that honors the Lord and follow Biblical principles in dealing with the situation.  And when my children do make a choice to obey the Lord in a certain area, I need to humbly thank God for working in their lives and for them responding to Him, rather than giving myself credit. 

So, if your children are small, I would encourage you to ask the Lord to help you lay aside any selfishness or laziness on your part and be diligent to pick up a paddle and use it according to the directives in God’s Word.  Believe His Word and trust Him to work in your child’s heart.  As your children get older, don’t think that your job is done.  A teenager needs you just as much as a toddler, if not more.  Again, ask the Lord to help you be willing to set aside your own plans in order to be available for them when they need you.  And never, never, never stop praying for them.

Temporal vs Eternal

An  overseer then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous. -1 Timothy 3:2-3 

Another qualification of an elder is that he is not covetous or greedy for money.  

Do you desire THINGS?  Your husband only has so much time.  What are you encouraging him to pursue? 

1 Timothy 6:10-11 warns us: “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.  But you, O man of God, flee these things…”

Think about what the Lord views as most important.  He directs the man of God to “pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness.” God is asking your husband to be concerned with the spiritual life of His people and not to be distracted by a desire for material things.  You can be a tremendous help to your husband in this area by asking the Lord to give you a heart that is thankful and content with what He has provided for you.  Whether it be much or little, hold it in an open hand to be used by the Lord in whatever way He would choose.  And encourage your husband to give himself to the things that have eternal value.   

How Do You Handle Conflict?

An overseer then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous. - 1 Timothy 3:2-3

God says that those who lead His people must not be violent or quarrelsome, but gentle.  How do you handle conflict in your home?  Is your home a peaceful place? 

VS.

The word “gentle” or “patient” in this verse means to be forbearing and considerate- looking reasonably at the facts of a case.  You and your husband are going to have disagreements.  How you deal with these things in your home will spill over into how your husband deals with conflict in the local assembly.  So do what you can to help him establish good habits.  

When my husband and I were first married, something I don’t even remember happened that set me off.  I was in the kitchen slamming cupboard doors and my husband was sitting at the dining room table.  I can still picture his eyes getting very big as he watched me.  Our conversation went something like this:

“Is something wrong?” he asked.  

“Yes, something’s wrong!” 

“Do you want to sit down and talk about it?”  

“No, I want to stand up and yell about it!”  

“Umm, my parents didn’t yell at each other.”  

“Well, my parents did!” 

“Well, I don’t want to yell at you, but if you want to come sit with me and talk, I’ll do that.” 

Proverbs 15:1 is very true- “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Yelling all by yourself makes you feel pretty foolish.  My husband's good example in this area has been a great help to me in changing some of the bad habits I had developed growing up.  And if your husband is more of the fireball in your relationship, you can do the same for him by responding with a gentle answer.  

Don’t just ignore a problem, but sit down and pray together- asking the Lord to calm your hearts.  Talk through the problem and really listen to one another.  Go to the Word of God and ask the Lord to lead you to the solution that honors Him.  

If your husband, as the head of your home, comes to a conclusion different than what you had hoped for, trust the Lord and be supportive.  This is much easier said than done, but it is what God commands and He will honor your obedience. 

God's Word: Learn It, Love It, Live It, Teach It

1 Timothy 3:2- An overseer then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach.

An elder must also be able to teach God's Word clearly and accurately.  How can you as a wife help your husband in this area of his ministry?

In order to teach the Word of God, you must know the Word.  In order to know the Word, you must spend time in the Word.  So, again, you’ll need to allow your husband the time to do this.  God has given him the responsibility of “rightly dividing the Word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15) so that he can feed the flock, give direction to those who need spiritual counsel, and be able to refute those who would teach false doctrine.  This does not mean that he needs to be a gifted public speaker, but that he does need to understand and be able to clearly articulate truths found in the Scriptures. 

Your husband also needs your encouragement to hold fast to the Word of truth.  There are some issues where emotions can run high: the woman’s role, divorce and remarriage, church discipline.  Your husband will face pressure not only from the world, but from Christendom in general- as well as people in your own local church- to compromise on God’s Word.  They will pressure him not to take such a firm stand if that stand affects what they want to do.   

I talked with three young men in our local church who all have a heart to honor the Lord.  I asked them why they had made the choice to be there.  All three told me it was because the Person of the Lord Jesus was honored and the Word of God was upheld as the authority- that it wasn’t just given lip service, but put into practice.  These are the kind of people you want in your local church.  So, let your husband study, listen to him as he talks through what he’s learning, and most of all, pray for him- that he would understand the truth from God’s Word, hold fast to it, and clearly share it with others.  

"For Ezra had prepared his heart to seek the Law of the Lord, and to do it,

 and to teach statutes and ordinances in Israel."

(Ezra 7:10)

Open Your Heart and Open Your Home

We are considering some of the qualities the Lord wants men in leadership in the local church to exhibit, and how we as wives can enhance our husband's effectiveness in these areas.

1 Timothy 3:2- An overseer then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach. 

Hopitable:

This verse also mentions that an elder must be hospitable.  There is no way your husband can do this without your full cooperation.  I remember one time my husband came to me during the break between meetings on a Sunday morning.  Some people from out of town had shown up and he wanted to invite them to eat with us.  I didn’t say a word- I just sighed.  I was tired, and people take energy.  He looked at me sadly and walked away.   I knew that my attitude was wrong and after Sunday school was over, I went to find him and tell him that was fine to go ahead and invite them.  But the people had already left.  I wasn’t being the help my husband needed in that instance.  His heart wanted to be what God had called him to be, but I had hindered him. 

Romans 12:13 says that we are to be “given to hospitality”.  Our homes should always be open.  An open home starts with an open heart.  It means loving people more than you love yourself or your things.  Your home does not need to be a showplace.  It doesn’t need to be large.  You don’t need to be a gourmet cook.  The first people who showed hospitality to my husband and me as a couple had us over one Sunday evening for popcorn, and we had a wonderful time.  Your home just needs to be a place where people feel welcome, comfortable and loved.  And that has to do much more with your attitude than with the physical environment.  

There are so many opportunities in the area of hospitality: encouraging the believers in your own local fellowship, having evangelistic Bible studies, holding a neighborhood Bible club, giving college students a home away from home, providing overnight accommodations to visiting missionaries or believers from out of town.  These things are not just a blessing to those you are showing hospitality to- they are a tremendous blessing to your own family, especially your children. 

I cannot stress enough what an important part of your ministry this is.  It is imperative that a shepherd know his flock.  We’ve been able to get to know people better by having them in our home for 2 hours than we could have in 5 years of just being around them at church during meeting times.  

Think about what you need to do to make it easier for you to have people in your home.  Here are some practical things I have done: 

*We pulled up the carpet in our dining room so that I wouldn’t be worried about spills.  

*If you have a small house and want to have over a big family, invite them for a picnic in the park.  

*When having the youth group over, just wipe down the toilets and sinks in the bathroom, but don’t do any real cleaning until after they leave.  

Whatever you need to do to make it easier for you to have people in your home, DO IT!  This is one way that you can be a blessing to your husband and to the people of God.

Shepherding- a good work

Today we will start considering some of the qualities that the Lord has laid out for men who would serve as elders in the local church, and talk about how our actions and attitudes as wives can affect our husband’s effectiveness in those areas.  

Let’s read together 1 Timothy 3:1-7. 

This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of an overseer, he desires a good work.  An overseer, then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil.  Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. 

1 Timothy 3:1.  

If a man desires the position of an overseer, he desires a good work. 

The word “good” here means valuable.  Shepherding the Lord’s people is a very valuable work.  If something is valuable, there’s a cost involved.  The more valuable something is, the greater the cost.  The work of shepherding will not just cost your husband something, it will cost you as well.  

There is a cost in terms of time- not just your personal time, but giving up time with your husband when he has meetings, time when he is away from the family and you are dealing with the children by yourself.  

There is a cost in terms of emotional energy- praying for the believers, counseling those who are struggling spiritually, weeping over those who have gone astray.  

There can be a financial cost- opening your home to people, helping those who are in need.  

If you go into this work with any other motive than doing it for the Lord Himself because He has called you to do it, it is not worth it.  But if this is the ministry that God has given you and your husband, then all of these things can be offered up as a sweet sacrifice to Him.  

Shepherding is the heart of God, and He is looking for men and women after His own heart to carry out this work.  The Good Shepherd loves His sheep.  He laid down His life for them, and He calls us to do the same.